Do you ever feel the pain, I mean the real pain.

I do everyday the woman I love does not love me, my job sucks and I cannot pay my bills. I feel the world is coming down on me and I just wanna cry, but then I don't want my son to grow up with a crying bitch father. Does he really have a father in zack or is it me. I do not know why but I cannot just end it. I have these thoughts whenever I am having a bad day. I do not want to feel this way but sometimes it feels like the only way. Is Alex ever going to be normal with a phycotic mother or a loser daddy like myself. I mean I can't get a descent job,a woman to call my wife and the future mother of my children, or something as simple as getting out of debt. Someone please help me before I do something stupid! I want to get my life back in order but I can't. All I ever wanted was to be needed but no one needs me.

Well, I have a hard time dealing with things in life right now. I have once again lost everything I hold dear because of my stupidity and self-righteousness. I don't know how to fix things and that scares me to death. I can not sleep at night knowing that I may never get it back and yet I am confident in persona and outwards. I am torn apart inside and no can see that, I am a man we do not show feelings. I am crying visiciously inside, so visious in fact that I cannot think straight. How could this have happened again? I fell in love and pushed her away. I know I have to stay strong for Alex but what do I say when he ask me, "Where's Lindsay?" I don't know what to say. I know he loves her but he doe not know how to show it. I want nothing more than to be happy again. I  don't want to do this 2 weeks thing it is killing me. Sometimes I wish that people would butt out of our problems and realize that we are adults e.g.: Parents, Distant Friends and Relatives. I will not tolerate my parents making snap judgements anymore. I basically told them to fuck off and I wll do the the same to anyone who decides that they are trying to be supportive, but doing nothing but making it harder, anyone. I have developed a action plan and it is going into effect now. So beware, everyone knows who they are! I thought that having compassion and understanding would work, but it is a recipe for getting walked on. From this day forward I want everyone to mind their own business and let us work this out. Yes I quit working at the roofing place just in case anyone was wondering. That was the first step on my action plan. The rest will be soon to come. I will not hesitate to call out the lonely people who decide that they want their best friend to join them in an unhappy place for the sake that they will no longer be lonely by themselves. I have stated in my action plan that I will be more forthcoming with feelings and honesty. Everyone needs to back the fuck up and give what advice is not, a ho-hum opinion of loneliness, I know it sucks to be alone but quit drowning everything in your own pity and do something about it that is the only way to move forward. You drown everybody else with you and cause problems. Stop making fun of less fortunate people who have learning disabilities they cannot help it, I see a lot of stuff in the background and know a lot so don't make me call it out!

                                                                          Truth hurts,

                                                                                     Ben